Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
