Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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