The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
