The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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