my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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