Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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