i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
