i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
