The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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