I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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