i permit you to call me
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's official drugs can't kill me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
