He uses pillows to masturbate.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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