yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I look excited, but its just a facade.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
