jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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