Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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