You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
