forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
