she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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