the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
