Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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