That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
