I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
