i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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