He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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