he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
