it wasn't lemon gatorade
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
