The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
