I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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