i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
