five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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