Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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