you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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