did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
