He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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