well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
