I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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