so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
