I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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