There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
