are you still at the devil's house?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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