if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
