I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Randomize
