Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my shit smells like andre
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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