just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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