My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
