I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
