some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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