There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
