Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I have fence marks all over my body
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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