thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
