I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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