bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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